Facebook turns 5-years-old today and to express their appreciation, they’re giving away free gifts to their 150+ million members. Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg writes, “We’ve created a “Thank You” gift, which will be available… in the Facebook Gift Shop for you to to give freely to others.” But hold on, the “thank you” gift is the virtual kind.

Virtual gift? What’s a virtual gift, you ask?

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Virtual gifts are essentially worthless pieces of crap that you can generally buy with real money for your friends on social networks like Facebook. Crap like a picture of that perfume your girlfriend’s been wanting but you’re too cheap and lazy to go out and actually purchase. Congratulations, I’m sure your gal will love not smelling a fragrance, the purpose of which is to stimulate that olfactory sense.

Or you could send a picture of a cup of coffee to your coworker who’s in desperate need of some caffeine, instead of actually taking the time to grab a cup at your local Starbuck’s. That cube-mate of yours won’t be able to actually enjoy his coffee, but I’m sure the lovely image he can post on his Facebook profile will perk him up all the same.

Or if you really want to get into the spirit of gift giving, you can send your pal a virtual six-pack of beer that will animate in such a way that it looks like you’re gulping ‘em down, but in reality, you’re just sitting and watching a fake brew disappear when you and your buddy could be doing the gulping for real, face-to-face at your favorite pub. But, why do anything face-to-face when you can do it virtually?

Clearly, I’m not a fan of this new trend of virtual gift giving. And I think it’s flat out hilarious when I read comments like, “I’m not sure why the older generation has such a tough time understanding the virtual gifting phenomenon.” Older generation? LOL. I’m not even thirty buddy.

I have “such a tough time understanding” not because of my age, but because I simply think it’s a waste of money. And during a time when we should all be saving more and spending less, the thought of someone forking over a couple bucks for a stupid image I could have easily snagged on Flickr to send to a “friend” over the interweb is completely and totally ludicrous. Even when the gifts are free like they are today, they still seems pointless and spammy to me.

Here’s an idea… you want to show me that you’re thinking of me? That you appreciate me somehow? Send me a frickin’ personal note saying so. Take me out for a REAL coffee or a REAL beer. Send me a picture that might jog a memory and inspire a smile. Or if you’re Facebook and “celebrating connections between people,” host local Facebook parties, give us a day on the website free of ads or offer  us a valuable new tool that will enhance our Facebook experience.

Give me something of use. Something with entertainment value. Something that serves some purpose, sparks some emotion. It doesn’t have to cost a thing. But make some semblance of an effort. That silly graphic that took you exactly two seconds to send to me over Facebook? Yeah, that ain’t it.

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I gotta clear something up. It’s driving me crazy. The hyphen in my name has been problematic all my life. Many folks don’t seem to know what it means and how to use it. But no more. I’m going to give you the how-to of hyphens. Here’s the long and short of it:

A hyphen means two words go together.

One might use it to avoid ambiguity or confusion. For instance, if I write, “There were thirty three-year-olds at the daycare,” I’m making use of a hyphen to emphasize that there are thirty toddlers, not a bunch of career-aged folk wandering around the daycare center.

A hyphen means two words go together.

It also applies to people’s names. My name, and what you should call me, is Ann-Marie. Not Ann. Not Marie. But Ann-Marie. My name has a hyphen, so what’s that mean? A hyphen means two words – or in this case, two names – go together. Ergo, Ann-Marie.

And I promise, it’s not just me. This is really how hyphens work. Believe it or not, my best-friend’s name is Anne-Marie. While she has an extra “e,” her name also sports the hyphen to let others know that her name is Anne-Marie. Not Ann. Not Marie. Anne-Marie.

It’s the same principle as when a married woman chooses to hyphenate her last name. Let’s say it’s Jane Doe-Smith. Would you address her as Jane Doe? Jane Smith? Or Jane Doe-Smith? Since a hyphen means two words go together, the last choice is the right one.

So the next time you encounter a person with a hyphenated name, there’s no longer any confusion. You can confidently say – and know you’re doing the right thing – “Hulllllloooooooooooo Ann-Marie!”

Next week’s class? Dashes. Did you know that a hyphen and a dash are NOT the same thing? :P

For some fun and laughs with hyphens, check out these unfortunate hyphenated names.

My best friend and fiancé have been dodging Facebook for years. And wisely so. Facebook is nothing but a boredom forum and an online social ladder. If I’m yawnin’ it up, have nothing else to do, have already attempted my NY Times Crossword for the day, maybe I’ll sign in to said social network. But I frequently regret it and typically feel more bored when I leave than when I arrive.

Well, I just received two friend invitations. One from Anne-Marie (the friend) and one from Larry (the fiancé).

So now that you’re “connected,” here’s what you have to look forward to:

• Being “poked” and the ensuing feeling of stupidly (and slight grossed out-edness) that you don’t know what the hell being poked means;
• A barrage of emails notifying you of said poke and the unnecessary amount of time you’ll likely waste trying to figure out how to turn off incessant email notifications;
• Inevitable disappointment when you realize that the beer your e-pal just gifted you was a virtual brew;
• Constant, nagging invitations from “friends” who want to know what kind of vampire you are. Or what animal you were in a past life. Or how hot you are as rated by the Facebook community;
• A flood of invites from barely-acquaintances who you haven’t seen or spoken to you in 10 years but want to be your “friend” now;
• The discovery of horrifying photos made public by friends when you were having the worst hair day ever and there looks to be a little drool crusted in the side of your mouth – and that you can’t do a damn thing about;
• The general commercialization of friendships, epitomized by supposed notes you receive from supposed friends who want you to know how much they supposedly like Applebee’s;
• The inappropriate and impersonal messages people post when someone endures some horrific life tragedy, making it tabloid-like fodder for nosy voyeurs and making you feel icky for having read them;
• The realization that now that you’re in, you’re in. Think Mafia.
• Impending embarrassment when your party friend from college posts some humiliating story, message or picture and your professional acquaintances in your network take notice (and often make fun of you, torture you or forever think differently of you);
• Worst of all, that you, your life, your image and likeness, your family, your friends… are now all fair game as far as the Internet’s concerned.

Did I miss anything?

I’m sorry that you both got sucked in. Really, I am.

Facebook is like the high school reunion you don’t want to go to. You might be guilted into it. You might feel like you’re missing out on something if you don’t join in. And if you do drag yourself to it, you regret it because you realize that you already keep in touch with the people you want to keep in touch with. You already have their phone numbers and email addresses.

If you’re lucky, you have some hilarious friends (ahem) who will post inane messages on your news feed that might make you giggle. Or maybe you’ll forgo some embarrassment because the site reminded you of a birthday you would have surely forgotten otherwise (by far, Facebook’s most redeeming feature). But the amusement, if any, will likely be short-lived. And will only point out that you’re incredibly bored and in desperate need of a hobby.

Welcome to Facebook!