Maybe you met your perfect match while grabbing a cup of joe. Or perhaps you lost track of a dear old friend. Or maybe you got hit by a Prius and you want to talk.

You hit me with your Prius

Me – Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.

You – Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

Wondering where your girlfriend really was when she stood you up last Friday night? Curious if your buddy is in the same neighborhood where you’re pub-crawling? How about that coworker who said she was sick at home but you suspect otherwise?

Wonder no more! There’s a new tool called Google Latitude to help you keep track of your friends’ and family’s every move.

Stalk Your Friends and Family with Google Latitude

All you need is a Google / Gmail account and a GPS-enabled cell phone (smartphones without GPS may work too if they come with that phone triangulation location thingamabob). Sign onto Latitude, create your network of friends (just like you would with Facebook or Twitter), and sit back and stalk them watch where they go.

Just like Google Maps or Mapquest might pinpoint a destination, Latitude pinpoints where each of your friends are on a handy map in real time. You can adjust your privacy settings so your friends see your exact location, just the city where you are, a destination of your choosing or hide your location altogether.

I’m normally a fan of Google products, but in this case, the entire concept creeps me right the hell out.

I mean, to be able to see where my friends are at all times? It just doesn’t feel right. I feel like a spy. Or worse, a stalker.

And how did I find out about this lovely new app? While in town this weekend, my big brother Patrick extolled the virtues of Latitude and even “friended” me so we could track each other. The conversation went some like this:

Pat: You’re not on Latitude? And you call yourself a web nerd?

Me: Yeah, thanks. What the hell is Latitude?

Pat: It’s the coolest. We can follow each other’s location 24/7 on Google Maps.

Me: Why would I want to know where you are all the time?

Pat: Because it’s cool.

Charissa (Pat’s wife): No Patrick, it’s called stalking.

Despite the fact that the idea of Latitude invades every notion of privacy I have, I let Patrick set it up on my Crackberry because, well, he’s my big brother.

And let me tell ya, it took less than 24 hours to turn that sucker off.

The first and last straw was when I made a quick stop at Somerset Mall before heading to dinner Saturday night. When I mentioned the visit to my brother at dinner, he said, “Yeah, I know. I saw where you were on Latitude.”

What? That’s just creepy.

So what’s the lesson here? If you enjoy stalking others, invading the privacy of those closest to you or are possibly of the exhibitionist variety, you might totally dig Google Latitude. On the other hand, if you enjoy some semblance of privacy and are skeeved out when people — even your friends and family — know where you are before perhaps you even do, then I’d recommend you steer clear of it.

(No offense P.J.)

Sick of your friends’ “25 Random Things” clogging up your Facebook feed? Break up the mind-numbing irritation monotony with this latest video gem: “Jesus Is A Friend of Mine.” Share on…

Stay [under] my bed

stay under my bed for the bargain price of $600/month!

when you emerge from the floor space under my full size bed, you will be in the heart of san francisco!

requires first and last months’ rent.

note: if you pretend like you are an actual monster under the bed and haunt me like when i was a child, i will allow access to the shower and stove. but you must make me so scared that i wet the bed. if you succeed, i will be soaked, and will lie there motionless until the yellow liquid turns cold, as i will be too afraid to wake up my parents who now live 3000 miles away.

okay okay, i’ll let you stay for free if you will just please help me wet the bed every night!

“Are you on the Facebook yet?”

“I saw you on the Twitter.”

An alternative is when different technology names get mashed together:

“I signed up for MyFacePage yesterday.”

It’s sweet, really. But it’s just Facebook. Twitter. MySpace. LinkedIn. No “the” necessary.

Big thanks to The Onion for covering the story.

Check out this “Ninja Hauler” ad, complete with original photos, found on Craigslist in November. The manly 2005 Nissan XTerra the ad touts is so special that it was “engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors” and can only be described as a “four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass.” Awesome.

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra – $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)

Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

Rock on indeed.

(Thanks Patrick for sending this along!)

Facebook turns 5-years-old today and to express their appreciation, they’re giving away free gifts to their 150+ million members. Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg writes, “We’ve created a “Thank You” gift, which will be available… in the Facebook Gift Shop for you to to give freely to others.” But hold on, the “thank you” gift is the virtual kind.

Virtual gift? What’s a virtual gift, you ask?

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Virtual gifts are essentially worthless pieces of crap that you can generally buy with real money for your friends on social networks like Facebook. Crap like a picture of that perfume your girlfriend’s been wanting but you’re too cheap and lazy to go out and actually purchase. Congratulations, I’m sure your gal will love not smelling a fragrance, the purpose of which is to stimulate that olfactory sense.

Or you could send a picture of a cup of coffee to your coworker who’s in desperate need of some caffeine, instead of actually taking the time to grab a cup at your local Starbuck’s. That cube-mate of yours won’t be able to actually enjoy his coffee, but I’m sure the lovely image he can post on his Facebook profile will perk him up all the same.

Or if you really want to get into the spirit of gift giving, you can send your pal a virtual six-pack of beer that will animate in such a way that it looks like you’re gulping ‘em down, but in reality, you’re just sitting and watching a fake brew disappear when you and your buddy could be doing the gulping for real, face-to-face at your favorite pub. But, why do anything face-to-face when you can do it virtually?

Clearly, I’m not a fan of this new trend of virtual gift giving. And I think it’s flat out hilarious when I read comments like, “I’m not sure why the older generation has such a tough time understanding the virtual gifting phenomenon.” Older generation? LOL. I’m not even thirty buddy.

I have “such a tough time understanding” not because of my age, but because I simply think it’s a waste of money. And during a time when we should all be saving more and spending less, the thought of someone forking over a couple bucks for a stupid image I could have easily snagged on Flickr to send to a “friend” over the interweb is completely and totally ludicrous. Even when the gifts are free like they are today, they still seems pointless and spammy to me.

Here’s an idea… you want to show me that you’re thinking of me? That you appreciate me somehow? Send me a frickin’ personal note saying so. Take me out for a REAL coffee or a REAL beer. Send me a picture that might jog a memory and inspire a smile. Or if you’re Facebook and “celebrating connections between people,” host local Facebook parties, give us a day on the website free of ads or offer  us a valuable new tool that will enhance our Facebook experience.

Give me something of use. Something with entertainment value. Something that serves some purpose, sparks some emotion. It doesn’t have to cost a thing. But make some semblance of an effort. That silly graphic that took you exactly two seconds to send to me over Facebook? Yeah, that ain’t it.

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